"Are the angels on their way? I'm in the dust."

My last post was super negative, so I'm going to try to be as positive as possible while still being honest. So, realistically, it's probably going to be another negative one.

This year has started out in a way that I never would have expected it to. We still haven't found the perfect cocktail of medications for me. All of the changes has really messed with my brain chemistry and has screwed up my ability to process and retain information. With all of that being said, I had to make the choice to quit trying to "fake it 'til I make it" and quit school.

I have worked my ass off these past 1.5 years and I am absolutely devastated that this is what had to be done. But after last semester, I knew that it was time to throw in the towel. I have never felt as defeated and mortified as I do right now and I am just hoping that I will find something that shows me that all of that wasted time and money wasn't actually wasted.

Getting my Master's degree was something that I was incredibly proud of and having to let that go has taken a huge blow to my pride and self-worth. This is not a cry for help or me seeking out other people to build me up, because that's not what I need. I need to figure out how to build myself up and be okay with who I am right now.

I'm pissed at God for allowing me to get into the program, letting me land the internship of my dreams, and then taking it all away. I'm pissed that I have to take all of these meds just to be a normal fucking person. It doesn't make sense to me and it doesn't feel fair.

However, my New Year's Resolution (everybody has to have one, right?) is to stop sitting around feeling sorry for myself and do something about it; find some way to change my life for the better. I may start working out or something to try to shed off some of the weight my meds have helped me gain or I'll be looking into new hobbies to get into-- maybe get established with a place for me to work on throwing pottery again.

I have so much free time now that I'm just working, so if anyone wants to hang out, just hollar!

I hope all of you who follow my blog are doing well. If you're not, you know I'm only a phone call or a text away. :)

P.S. Here are a couple of pictures of me and my pup.