Throwback and Flashforward

Hello! I am writing this post while sitting in the living room of the house I am spending the year sharing with seven of my best friends. It's a comfy house with lots of Pinterest crafts and too many couches, and I love everything about it.

I had a post back in February where I talked about how I decided to walk away from the tuba. At the time I was feeling very discouraged and run down and despite worrying about facing regret from my future, decided it would be best to step away from the hobby. When I got the email last fall from Dr. Strauch telling me that I didn't make the Wind Symphony, I kept thinking to myself "Okay Ash, just chill. Maybe something weird will happen and you'll be back in and everything will be fine." but despite how much I wanted it to, that email didn't come... until two weeks ago. I thought about auditioning for Wind Symphony this semester, but remembered my decision back in February and decided to trust myself and forgo that pathway. The week of auditions I had several moments of doubt regarding my decision, but stuck with it. But, on the Friday night before results were going to be posted, Dr. Strauch emailed me and told me that there was an open tuba spot in the ensemble and that if I wanted it, it was mine. I thought really hard about it and about if I felt like it was something that I could fit in my schedule and finally decided that even if I felt too busy to do it, I had to defy those thoughts and just go for it! I am so very excited to be back to playing again and to have the opportunity to get to make music with some truly amazing people.
The Wind Symphony is also going on tour to Thailand this March so that's its own form of awesome as well. It feels incredible surreal to me to be back in this groove, but it's a good kind of surreal feeling. The support I received after my decision in February from family, friends, and the music department in general was absolutely amazing, and I really appreciated it. There were times that I really did miss playing and the bits of nostalgia I was hit with have made this opportunity all the more exciting, so here's to a musically awesome senior year!

That's definitely the biggest change that's happened to me this year and I'm feeling super excited and blessed about it.

This year I am striving to grow. I have set many goals for myself and am going to be actively working to achieve them.

1. Graduate college

This one I'm pretty on track with, but I always have to keep that in the back of my mind.


2. Keep finding yourself

It's weird, in the past three years I have met someone entirely new-- someone I never expected to be. Growing up, I made an act to keep the exterior me look soft an whatnot while harboring a heart of bitterness and anger and I am starting to neutralize that. I am learning to allow myself to feel things even if I don't want to, to be vulnerable with others, and to love myself despite my flaws. I am learning how to neutralize myself and how to be more independent, but also that it's okay to be dependent on people too.

3. Don't sweat the small stuff

I have always had a tendency to be super picky about stuff that doesn't and shouldn't matter and I am trying to steer away from that. I don't really understand why I have put so much energy into stressing about there being a dirty dish in the sink or a pair of shoes in the living room. I mean, what's the point? If that's my biggest concern, I must be doing alright. So, this year I'm trying to just try to take it easy and go with the flow.

4. Reconnect with God

This one's the most important to me this year. This may sound weird, coming from someone who's at a Presbyterian university, but the past three years have been very interesting for me spiritually. I tried testing out churches Freshman and Sophomore year, but I never really got plugged in or wanted to go after going to one either once or a few times. And while I absolutely still consider myself a Christian and try to live my life by Biblical standards, I definitely have lost my relationship with God. This year, I am going to really try to change that.

This summer, was the best summer I've ever had! I stayed in Spokane and worked for half of it, but I also let myself take the other half to drop all of my responsibilities and go home. It was amazing to be home for such a solid chunk of time. I got to spend an abundance of time with my nephews. Every time I come home, it blows my mind how much they seem to have grown up since the last time I was there. They're turning into these little people with their own personalities and quirks and the amount of joy they fill me with is overwhelming. I also got to see my two nieces who visited from Texas! I hadn't even met Savannah yet, so that was a big deal to me. And Makayla has grown so much since I last saw her. It amazes me how much Mak mirrors her mom when she was younger and Savannah never failed to keep a smile on my face-- those girls are just freaking adorable! They also just welcomed a little sister into the world, Journey Dawn. I haven't got to meet her yet, but she's going to be just as wonderful as the others and I'm so excited to get to be her aunt too!

I also had a very special friend come visit this summer. I hadn't seen CJ since January of 2014, so it was really great being able to catch up with him. We spent the entire trip on-the-go! We toured Seattle, the forts of Whidbey Island, and a single day 12 hour road trip and I had fun every minute of it. When he leaves, I always miss him like crazy and it definitely takes a toll on me, but it was more than worth it to get to see him one more time. The day that he left, I took myself on a date to see Taylor Swift perform in Seattle and it was soooo cool. She put on a great show and really helped numb the feelings of CJ going back home.

To top it all off, my parents surprised me with a trip to Hawaii a few days later! I literally didn't know we were going until we were in the car on our way to the airport, so that was super cool. We spent 6 days doing what we wanted when we wanted and it was absolutely awesome. It was great to be able to spend some time with just them to catch up and just be together and I will never forget that trip. I was on a plane for 6 hours each way and it didn't crash either time, so that was an added bonus.

I also got a tattoo a couple of weeks ago. I decided to participate in the semicolon project which is a movement which involves drawing (or tattooing) a semicolon on your body to represent the purpose of a semicolon: when you could have chosen to end a sentence, but didn't. It's all about mental health and suicide awareness and the message was very moving to me.

For more information about the semicolon project, check out their website!
http://www.projectsemicolon.org/

So yeah, that's the latest scoop on my hijinks. I'm still working at Excelsior and I still absolutely love it. I'm going to be doing an intramural dodge ball team with some great friends and will hopefully endure many more shenanigans with them! I'll also be mentally prepping myself for my journey to Thailand with the Wind Symphony in the spring, which sounds both scary and awesome at the same time. And, yeah, I'll just keep living the dream. So, in other words, this year is going to be full of lots of work but also lots of play! Graduation is going to sneak up on me, but it will be awesome to finally get that ridiculously expensive piece of paper that will seal up a life changing four years of my life.

Thanks for taking the time to get up to speed on what I've been up to.


Much love,

Ashley

P.S. Here are a few more photos that highlight my summer!

Chrissy, Jeremy, and me at Safeco Field.
(Mariners v. Tigers)

Mom, Chrissy, and me at Safeco Field.
(Mariners v. Tigers)

Mom, Dad, and me at the Luau in Hawaii.

Mom, Dad, and me on the plane home!

How could you not just adore these faces?!

(Lucas, Marcus, JD, Sav, Mak)

Breaking the Stigma

In honor of mental health awareness week, I’d like to share a few words.

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about the negative stigma that seems to go along with the mental health field and I just want to rant a little bit about the importance that I see in addressing these issues head-on.

I feel like there are a lot of people in this world who live their lives day by day trying to live the dream on the outside and fight the demons on the inside in the dark with only a flashlight to help guide them. And while I totally get the desire to keep things like mental health concealed and try to conquer them on your own, I also believe that there comes a point when it will get to be too hard, and that could potentially be scary, dangerous, and/or damaging.

I think I’ve briefly mentioned this in a past blog, but for the sake of the point I’m trying to make (and for a much more current update), I’ll give a recap. Spring of my freshman year at Whitworth, I started seeing a psychiatric nurse practitioner who told me that she suspected that I had Bipolar II disorder. When I came back to the dorm that day, I had incredibly mixed feelings about our appointment because I had always seen things like bipolar as something that couldn’t be a reality to someone like me. I saw it as something that was wrong with me and sometimes I still do, but I have also come to really understand the disorder and am at a point of acceptance with it. When you’re in the moment, things don’t look like they’re getting better, and you often actually feel like you’re getting worse, but the biggest thing that I turn to when I feel this way is my transcript. That spring, my grades were the worst they ever have been (and my GPA is still thanking me for that). But after I started being treated for bipolar, my grades have gotten a little better each semester. That may seem like something small, but to see a gradual improvement like that is reassuring to me that I am on the right path.

I am sharing this because I really truly want people to understand that it is okay to seek help when you need it. It’s time for those stigmas to get trampled on, because they are only holding society back from living happy, healthy lives. I have had several friends tell me that they are thinking about going to therapy but don’t because their either ashamed or afraid of what people may think or what they may think about themselves, but to me that is just a sign of a strong individual.

I hope this wasn’t too heavy; I just hate knowing that people I love and care about are out there right now letting outside pressures hold them back from getting the help they need, and if you’re reading this and that’s you, I hope you know that you can always talk to me about it.

Anyway, my rant is over. I encourage you to think about and educate yourself this week  on this matter, because the more we understand it, the less likely we are to deny or shame its existence.

Excelsior and Schtuffs

Hello family and friends!

My, oh my, the past few weeks have been absolutely insane.

In early March, I started a new job which was also fulfilling the role of my practicum site. The job was not at all what I expected it to be. I work at a (mostly) inpatient facility for youth with behavioral struggles, mental illnesses, and/or chemical dependency struggles and it is always an adventure. It was a serious dose of culture shock coming into work and expecting to be called names that I wouldn’t repeat in front of my grandmother, and understanding that at any moment a client had the potential to actually physically injure you. (Thankfully, I haven’t ran into that yet.)

I was told when I was first hired that there was a cycle that happens when you first come on, and I definitely underestimated its trueness. For the first 2-3 weeks, I hated that place. I came home pissed off and went back trying not to appear to be. There also seemed to be a miscommunication with scheduling at first and I’m not exaggerating when I say that I worked 47 hours one week… it was crazy.

But I am now about to start my eighth week and I couldn’t be more content with the job. Now that I’ve been able to learn the ropes and receive necessary trainings, working at Excelsior feels incredibly natural to me—it’s awesome. Here’s where the fun part comes in…

On Friday night, I was working an overnight shift as a floater. A floater basically means that I pick up kids who call in the middle of the night asking for a ride back to the facility and/or hop from unit to unit giving other overnights breaks as needed. Friday night didn’t really work that way for me. It was a pretty chaotic night and being in the wrong place at the wrong time threw me into the mix as well. I’m not going to go into too much detail but long story short a client took my keys from me and stole my car… it was awesome. (ßThat’s sarcasm)

The police found Padmé (that’s my car’s name) within an hour… I think. I hadn't talked to them until a little bit after they had arrived. Apparently the client drove it into a shallow ditch, but on the bright side “It looks like it’s just a flat tire” is what I was told. Well, Mr. Officer, I appreciate you trying to keep my spirit lifted that night, but that is not the case at all. I went to the repair shop that it was towed to today and the mechanic told me that he couldn't say for sure until he finished a full inspection, but he was guessing there was around few thousand dollars worth of damage. So, now I’m playing the waiting game and hoping there’s not actually a few thousand (or more) worth of damage to it, because I’d really prefer for it to not be considered totaled. Prayers for good news to come out of that would be greatly appreciated.

There is some good in this story, I swear. How Excelsior handled this has given me a great glimpse at the kind of place this really is. I’ve had multiple people check in on me since it all went down, one calling to let me know that she had found a replacement for my shift the following day if I wanted to take a personal day (which was amazing), and I’m pretty sure all of the damage, towing, rental car, and whatnot is going to be taken care of. A couple of people have asked if I’m going to quit, but honestly, after all of the experience I’ve gained and tackled, I would be ashamed to throw it all away out of discouragement or fear that something else may happen. I am really excited about this opportunity that I have been granted to work in a field that I am passionate about and I am actually excited to go to work tomorrow.

I've also been thinking a lot about my post-Whitworth plans lately and am starting to get excited about the thought of grad school and all of the different roads I can take. Thankfully, I have some time until the big decisions have to be made in that department, so I have time to be excited about everything before it turns into pure stress. :)

That’s really been all that I’ve been up to. I requested for a cut in hours, so I’ve had a little more time to see friends and get stuff done, but other than that, I’ve just been living the dream. I am feeling really good about life and all of its contents right now, so that is a true blessing.

Thanks for taking the time to catch up on what I've been up to!

-A

Energy drinks have basically been my lifeline lately.

This is the front view of the damages.

Most of the damage is to the right side's internal mechanics (suspension, tie rod, etc.)

A Golden Year, For Sure

Every year when my birthday rolls around, I find myself thinking a lot about some of my biggest blessings. This year has shown me a lot about how lucky and truly blessed I am.

This year I have been able to spend a lot of my time with my two greatest friends, Tori and Crystal.

Living together has been a pretty unique opportunity because we can do things that are so simple and normal (like cooking dinner) side-by-side and it still feels like we’re hanging out. These two have taught me a lot about myself and new ways to look at things. But most importantly, they’ve loved me a whole heck of a lot. There is not a moment that I can say I’ve looked back and felt otherwise from either of them and I cannot even express the amount of gratitude I have for that. Their random acts of kindness and (sometimes cruel) pranks are constant reminders to me of how amazing, creative, and kind they both are. When I think about the past two and a half years, the majority of it contains them and I can honestly say that I don’t think the years would have been even half as great without them nor would I want to take back or redo any moment spent with them. I don’t think I can express enough how thankful I am for them and I've broken the daily limit on their sappy scale, so I'll just leave it at this...

This year has also been amazing for me academically. This semester I am required to obtain a practicum site (internship) and put in 100 hours at the site and I have landed an amazing opportunity and been officially hired as of Thursday at Excelsior Youth Center where I will be working as something comparable to a life-coach or night watch person (depending on the shift). I am very, very excited for this opportunity because this is the field and age range that I would like to work in when I am done with school and it is going to not only give me experience, but also I will be able to feel out if this is the right fit for me. Another great part of the job is that I am going to be getting paid for it! That is something that was a shocker for me, because most of the sites are volunteer-based. I will also be able to keep the job after the semester is over if it is something that I am happy with! I am starting to feel really confident in the steps I'm taking on my undergraduate pathway and that feeling is absolutely amazing.

Last weekend, Marcus and my parents came to visit for my birthday. Originally Chrissy and Lucas were coming as well, but Lucas got sick the night before they were supposed to leave, so they had to stay behind. I really miss the Orting Senf Clan while I'm over here in Spokane. I miss being able to walk downstairs and pick someone up and hold them upside down (I don't think any of my housemates would appreciate that the way Marcus or Lucas do...), I miss staying up and watching movies with Chrissy, and I miss just being with my family in general. Whenever my parents visit, it is very bittersweet for me; I love every second that I get to spend with them, but the time seems to fly. When I see them after it's been a while, I am reminded of their amazingness. They are both so, so supportive of me in a way that doesn't just suggest that they're giving me a thumbs up from around the corner— they're standing right there with me all along the way. 

My mom is one of the most tolerant people I know. I have this habit of getting frustrated really easily sometimes and something that I've noticed about her lately is that in these moments, even if I'm being snappy with her, she turns the dynamic around and tries to fix whatever is making me feel grumpy. It takes a big and incredibly selfless person to ignore the fact that someone is treating you poorly, and instead try to figure out how to help the grumpy bear. There was a time once that I was making a quilt and one of the edges was not cooperating, so naturally my dynamic turned into a rage of open threats to said quilt (i.e.: "I'm going to light you on fire"). After I got frustrated enough, I gave up. Shortly after, she came upstairs and picked it up and started helping me fix the problem. In the moment, I felt like a jerk I realized that this frustration is something that I need work on, but her grace is what has taught me that. She is a woman who is full of kindness, love, and grace and I can't even tell her enough how thankful I am for her.

My dad is pretty cool too; he is a quiet observer, but is also great to converse with. I love that he is someone that I can go to when I'm in a pickle and need to consult with someone from a logical standpoint. He is also a subtly sweet guy. A month or so ago, I needed to change my headlight, but couldn't figure out how, so I left him a voicemail asking if he had any pointers on what I should be doing and shortly after got an email from him where he had posted a link to a YouTube how-to video. I actually have no clue how he found that, because I had already spent quite a while browsing YouTube for an instructional video. He's a man who is someone that you can count on to love you unconditionally, but also occasionally goes above and beyond and does/says unexpected things to reaffirm that. I am so fortunate to have grown up with a dad who's felt more like a buddy to me throughout the years.

The reason I am getting all sappy about my parents in this post is because today is my birthday, but quite frankly, this day is all their doing. They are two amazing human beings who demonstrate what true love should look like and who have given me more love than I often feel like I deserve. They put me before themselves too often than they should and hope they understand how absolutely amazed by them I am and honored to be their daughter. I've always been bummed about aging and how it changes the dynamic between my parents and me, but at this point, I can only see our relationship getting more awesome each year. Thank you Mom and Dad for your continuous love and encouragement for growth—you are the best!

Today, I will be attempting to make strawberry daiquiris and spending time with friends (after completing a couple of homework assignments and going to the DMV).
Thank you for checking in on me via this post, your support is amazing.

-A

Temporary Home

When I listen to the song "Temporary Home" by Carrie Underwood, I instantly think of my sister. 

Throughout the song, Carrie talks about a "temporary home". Christina has faced many unfortunate and painful situations, but she has always made it through. Every time she's hit a roadblock, it's only been a temporary home to her until she could get back on the path that God has in place for her. Today  marks four years of her being clean and sober, and that is amazing. I cannot even imagine how difficult is was/has been to stay clear of something that can grasp onto someone so strongly, but she is stronger than the addiction. She's stronger than anything I can think of, actually. That is why I have faith in her path of sobriety and any other hardships that she may ever face. 

Christina has an amazing spirit that is unbreakable and I strongly believe that these "temporary homes" have been put into her life not just to give her hell, but also to give her an opportunity to share an amazing spirit with others in similar situations who could use a light. When she graduated from her recovery program, each of the women went around and shared something about her and I was amazed at some of the stories that were shared; one involved her trying to break dance (while almost breaking her neck) to add a little joy to a situation that was happening. If you know Chrissy, it's easy to picture that moment because that's just who she is. When she sees a problem or someone in need, she doesn't think of herself, she instantly starts trying to figure out how to fix it... how to make others feel better. That is something that I really admire about her.

Her and I have had our rough times, but as we've both grown, I can only smile when I think about all of her quirks and how truly unique and special she is. She is a true blessing to know and her story is life changing. I am so proud of the amazing woman and mom that she is every day and am so thankful that she has also
passed her amazingly bright spirit on to two adorable little boys.

4 years... that is 48 months. 208 weeks. 1,460 days. 35,040 hours. 2,102,400 minutes. 126,144,000 seconds. That is a long time. Congratulations on the successful year of hard work and determination, Christina, I am so proud of you. I love you.

The End of an Era

Holy cow, I am a Junior in college… where does the time go??

In the past few years, I have had some of the greatest moments of my life and I’ve made some absolutely incredible friends. I really do feel that they have been one long growing experience for me, which has led to some big decisions.

When I was in sixth grade, I started playing the tuba and I instantly fell in love. If you knew me as a kid, you probably understand why I loved it so much, being the quirky girl who didn’t follow many social norms. I felt unique and accomplished when I played, and the ensembles that I played in filled me with an abundance of warmth at the most convenient of times. When I moved to Orting and enrolled in high school, I was bummed because there was no marching band, and I really wanted to learn how to do field shows and such, but that wasn’t too big of a deal—I don’t feel like I missed out on anything too special. Playing in high school was an amazing experience. The great thing about Orting is that since it’s a town that continues to grow and expand, there is so much potential and room for students to expand. This ability to expand gave me some amazing opportunities to grow in my musical abilities. When we started the drum line, I loved the feeling that it filled me with; I was adding another item to my lists of accomplishment. I wouldn’t want to trade the time that I spent learning the bass drum, and then the quads after school for anything else in the world. At the same time we got the drum line started, we also wanted to pull together a strong jazz ensemble. We started as, like drum line, an after-school club and quickly advanced past that and obtained our own class period. This amazing band I am referring to is The Jazz Fiasco and the Sweet Nothings. In the JFSN, I was challenged in yet another way when I decided to pick up the bass trombone. It was definitely a process learning the new horn, but I absolutely loved it. The JFSN will always hold a special place in my heart—they were a second family to me in the short, but very sweet two years we spent together.

After I graduated, I headed to Whitworth University. When I showed up, I had full intentions on playing in the Wind Symphony (the advanced wind ensemble here), but God had other plans for me. Coming from where I had been, this was devastating to me. Before leaving Orting, I had served as the band secretary, then vice president, and then president my senior year and was very involved in leadership in the ensembles, so I wasn’t used to being an underdog again… I instead played in the concert band for my Freshman year.

Last year, I auditioned for the Wind Symphony again, and made it! I was ecstatic to be a part of something as special as the Wind Symphony, and my hard work Freshman year is what got me there. Shortly after getting the results from Wind Symphony, I received an email from the Orchestra director asking me if I was interested in also playing in the Whitworth Symphony Orchestra. That opportunity blew my mind. Of course, I took it. Last year was a busy year… and I wouldn’t want to have spent that time any other way. Spring of last year, the Wind Symphony went on tour to California, where we played several concerts and had a great time being together on such a great trip—it was truly a blessing to be a part of it.

This Fall, I didn’t make either ensemble. Like I mentioned above, I didn’t make it Freshman year and I was devastated. This year shattered me. This came as pure shock to me, and is nowhere near where I planned on ending up this year, but life threw me a curve ball, so I had to try to at least catch it. I think the worst part of this was that I had just spent all of the summer working and saving, and working and saving and I bought myself a beautiful, brand-spankin-new tuba. She is seriously a beauty, and I love her. But unfortunately, I don’t love playing anymore. I don’t even like it, actually. I have had a few really, really hard moments and let-downs in the past few years in my musical career, and to say I’ve officially burned out is an understatement.

After lots of thought, I have come to realize that I am not playing because of my love for it anymore. I am playing because that’s what I do. It has been what makes me feel special and proud for quite a while now, and also something that I know my family is proud of me for. It sucks thinking about letting go of something that was once so special to me, but it also sucks feeling sucky. I’ve decided that it’s time for me to put my energy into something else that I can be proud of—something else than can define me. That is why I have decided to let go of the pressure I’ve put on myself to keep chugging along with something that is ready to be left in the past. It is time for me to start to dominate my studies, and start to look forward to the “grown-up” I’m working towards being.

It’s going to be a really weird transition for me, but I am sure in the end I will still feel like this was the right decision for me. I’m not quite sure what my musical future may entail (if anything) or what I am going to do with this new tuba, but I know I am going to be relieved and happy and honestly, that is what is important to me right now. Plus, I am going to still have the Whitworth Band of Pirates (Pep Band) to keep me in shape. We started that this year and it really is bundles of fun.

And as for you... thank you for taking the time to read about what's going on in my life and where life is taking me. I am truly honored that I have such an amazing support system.

-Ashley