"I like to dance under streetlamps and walk upon the clouds..."

Hey there!

A lot has happened since I updated this in November! Mostly good things, actually.

In May, I flew to Texas to watch my oldest sister graduate with her Master's in Marriage and Family Therapy from Abilene Christian University. While I was there, she convinced me to apply to their program. (I didn't take much convincing since I've been wanting to go back to finish my degree...) Anyway, long story short, I got in! I have officially started classes and am on my way to finishing that pesky degree that I have worked so hard on. Despite the several inquiries regarding whether I will be moving to Abilene or not, I can confidently say I am not, nor do I ever intend to move to Abilene... mark my words. The program is online, which is going to be a great fit for me. I have always struggled to take in information while sitting in class, as my ADHD is not very kind to sitting still and concentrating for as long as class sessions generally are. I am very super excited for this new learning format. Ever since I dropped out of Whitworth January 2018, it has been like a black cloud following me around, reminding me that I didn't amount to what I thought I would. I already feel like that cloud is gone, and I am back on track to get this shit done! So, hopefully, I will be able to drop my diploma on the stage in May 2021, just like Bink did.

Other than school, there are some other big changes approaching. I am currently in the process of buying a house. As long as the appraisal goes as planned, I should be in at the end of July! The house is super cute and my bedroom will actually be a fully finished loft. I'm pretty stoked about it. I am definitely being that millennial who has skipped the marriage and kid portion (for now) and am trying to make sure my dog gets to live his best life. I've been reluctant to share about that part of my journey because last year when I went through this process, it crumbled at the last minute and I'm still a little nervous, but this time has gone much smoother and everything has lined up perfectly.

While those are both two pretty big things for me, my biggest accomplishment hasn't happened quite yet. On July 18th, I will be able to officially say that it has been a year since I've had any mental-health-related hospital trips. This is going to be a pretty huge milestone because, since 2015, I've averaged going to the hospital 2-3 times a year. That is a good testament to how well this intricate concoction of medications is working. It has been an odd year. I have realized that I am still not the me that I used to be or that I want to be. I am starting to realize, though, that I will never be that person again. If I was, all of this work and all of these hardships would have been for nothing. Now, I am starting to redefine who Ashley is and what that truly looks like. But, this Ashley is doing a pretty darn good job. It hasn't been perfect (not even a little bit), but the struggles that I've faced this year do not amount to the hurdles I have faced in the past, and I am blessed to be able to say that. My care team has been the brunt and brains behind this progress. Yeah, I may be paying them to do their job, but they have navigated this all with patience and grace and encouragement and I can not thank them enough. My nurse practitioner is actually going to be retiring in August, so I'm a little nervous about finding a replacement as great as her, but I'm sure it will work out how it needs to.

Another big thank you should be extended to my support system of friends, family, and mentors. I am not always the easiest friend or daughter or sister to have, but I am trying my best and the grace and empathy that has been extended to me is infinitely appreciated. I am truly blessed to have such an army behind me. To those of you out there who have been a part of my army, thank you... so much.

This week, I will be trekking out to Clancy, MT to go camping at our family cabin for the Fourth of July. I am beyond stoked to have some uninterrupted time with my family. Thunderstorms are forecasted for the entire time we're there, so we may be all holed up in the cabin for the weekend, but it'll be fun nonetheless. I haven't told Vader that we're going yet, but he is also going to be stoked... a long drive and time outdoors is all that pup wants in life. (We will be stopping for puppachinos along the way, too.)

Anyway, that's the scoop! I hope you, whoever you are, are having a great start to your week. And I hope your Fourth of July is truly blessed and you're spending it doing something enjoyable... even if it's just for a moment. Get out, be with others, and take care of yourself, because you are worth it.

Before I sign off, I would like to leave you all with this tidbit. We all experience hardships and trying times. I have had my fair share and I certainly will again. With that being said, reach out when you need it. Accept help when it's offered. Embrace the existence of others because we can't all do this "life" thing alone.

Give a hug, a high-five, a wedgie... anything. Be there. Be present. Love those who mean anything to you.

Much love,
Ashley Taylor Phoenix Senf I



If you're into visuals, here's my life lately...





Living my best life.
March 2019



Family outing to the Chief's game! ( I only spilled my beer once...) 
March 2019



Texas squad!
May 2019

Late night hot dice games with Crispy via FaceTime.

April 2019

My bestest brother, JoJo... 

May 2019

Lucas and Vader out for a stroll.
June 2019

Seeing Marcus' favorite band, The Strumbellas, in Seattle! 

May 2019

Part of the squad! 

September 2018

Me after I received the call that I got into ACU!

May 2019

Pops and me at the KISS concert.

February 2019

Visiting Bink for her graduation!

May 2019

Merry Bitchmas party!

December 2018

If everything goes as planned, this will be my home in July 2019.

Yes, I did put peanut butter on my face to get this picture...and I died laughing the whole time.

February 2019

I've only beat her up once...

November 2018

Kenzie takes mustard shots for people's birthdays...

December 2018

Jordan and I make questionable, but awesome, decisions.
October 2018

Squad! Squad! Squad!!!!
October 2018

"Hey man, look at me rocking out..."

Wow, it's been longer than normal since I updated this. January seems like an eternity ago...

When I last updated y'all, I was coming to terms with dropping out of grad school and was still on the search for the perfect concoction of medications. Since then, there has been a LOT of trial and error, but I feel like the spot that I'm in right now is where I want to be.

Here's a little bit of a recap: it's been about 5~6 years since I received my first diagnosis where I started the medication exploration process and 1 year since I did the extensive testing that gave a more concrete picture of what we're working with. I have tried 12 different medications in that time and have had too many dose, release lengths, etc. changes to count, and right now, I can confidently say that Latuda has given me my life back. For those of you who do not know much about medications, Latuda is a newer drug that is in the antipsychotic class. However, it also serves as a powerful tool for fighting the depressive side of Bipolar disorder. In my experience, it has almost completely eliminated any form of psychotic symptoms as well as completely leveled out my mood. It has been a rocky road, but things right now are going really, really well. October/November is a very common time for me to have lots of fluctuations in my mood, but so far, I have not experienced any drastic highs or lows. It has taken a lot of time and energy to get my mental health leveled out, so now my big focus is going to be to get caught back up and healthy in the aspects of my life that I let slip in the process.

There are some amazing people that have backed me through this journey, and the patience, kindness, and encouragement that I've received from my friends and family has not gone unnoticed or unappreciated. If you're sitting there wondering if you're a part of that, you are. Every moment that those of you spent sitting or processing through stuff with me, every squeeze I was given on a low day, every celebratory high-five, every "hey, you're doing a good job", and every random check in that's been extended to me has added up and made a wall that was impossible for the mental illness to overcome. For that support, I am eternally grateful and oh so humbled. There have been a few people that I've lost along the way, but I believe that that is life's way of showing you who your real friends are. And in the words of my mom, sometimes you need to just "forget about those bitches, because you've got other bitches."

I'm working Thanksgiving morning, but afterwards I will be catching a flight home (to make it in time for a late dinner) where I will also get to spend a whole week with my parents, sister, and nephews. I am beyond stoked to get away from Spokane for a little bit and to get a good chunk of quality time in with them. I'm still a little uneasy about going home without Emily being there, but thankfully Vader will be with me, so he'll serve as a good distraction.

I hope you, whoever you may be, are doing well and that the holiday season is treating you kindly. Please don't hesitate to reach out to me if you are in need of support, squeezes, or baked goods (I'm killing it on the baking game lately). I will leave you with a bible verse that sits warmly with me right now:

"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us." 
Romans 8:18

Much love,
Ashley Taylor Phoenix Senf




P.S. Here are some pictures that highlight my year!



My little bear and me backed by our city.



My Spokane crew of bitches... always up to no good and always having fun while doing so.



Vader likes to smile at me...



The girls came to visit in May... it was wonderful to have a little bit of time with them. <3



Lucas and me at the dinosaur exhibit. He's only choking me a little bit...



I took Vader paddle boarding for the first time... he had mixed feelings. He also fell in only a few times...



Vader on our camping trip in Montana. Taken in portrait mode.



Marcus and I had a weekend auntie-Markie getaway to the cabin in September... definitely learned that I'm not quite ready to be a mom.



Group shot of the cabin crew.



Chrissy (my little big sister) came to visit Spokane. We enjoyed a night out together.



Cuddle time with Vader and my beautiful ol' girl, Em, who I miss tremendously.



And then this is just me. Feeling good and ready to party.

"I got one hand in my pocket, and the other one is giving a high-five..."

I apologize for the negativity of my last couple of posts. Those both came from emotional, broken states of confusion and loss. I have taken some time to self-reflect, and I have decided that everything is indeed going to be okay.

I did drop out of school, but that doesn't mean that it was all for nothing. I found a few amazing friends in that program and I learned a lot about how to truly understand and listen to people and just be a decent human being. I failed for the first time ever. Yeah, I have had moments of failure in music and sports, but never academic and I needed to fail. I needed to know that it was okay to fail and that it didn't make me any less of a person, because it didn't.

I have been so fucking lonely since I started doing school and work full time because I was just too busy to actually make time to spend with people, and just in the past two weeks, I've been able to have a girls night with my grandma and spend time with friends. Honestly, I've probably spent more time with people just this month than I did the entire fall semester. I'm not joking.

And now, I don't feel as lonely. Yes, I'm sad and I'm disappointed in myself for not being able to finish the program, but I am accepting that that was God's way of telling me to slow the heck down and enjoy life. I was too busy living my life waiting for the day that I'd be able to sit back and enjoy watching all of my hard work pay off and completely disregarded watching out for my own well-being in the meantime.

I believe that I am going to be a healthier individual now, just because I am taking time to take care of myself and to have fun.

As much as it has sucked to sit in the grossness of disappointment I'm feeling, I really am doing okay and I have faith that as the days and weeks go by, I will continue to be more and more thankful for this opportunity to grow and truly have time again.

Thank you for sticking it out with me and for all of the encouragement I have received throughout what were some of the hardest times in my life. Thanks to all of the love and prayers, I can confidently say that things are looking up from here.

-Ash

"Are the angels on their way? I'm in the dust."

My last post was super negative, so I'm going to try to be as positive as possible while still being honest. So, realistically, it's probably going to be another negative one.

This year has started out in a way that I never would have expected it to. We still haven't found the perfect cocktail of medications for me. All of the changes has really messed with my brain chemistry and has screwed up my ability to process and retain information. With all of that being said, I had to make the choice to quit trying to "fake it 'til I make it" and quit school.

I have worked my ass off these past 1.5 years and I am absolutely devastated that this is what had to be done. But after last semester, I knew that it was time to throw in the towel. I have never felt as defeated and mortified as I do right now and I am just hoping that I will find something that shows me that all of that wasted time and money wasn't actually wasted.

Getting my Master's degree was something that I was incredibly proud of and having to let that go has taken a huge blow to my pride and self-worth. This is not a cry for help or me seeking out other people to build me up, because that's not what I need. I need to figure out how to build myself up and be okay with who I am right now.

I'm pissed at God for allowing me to get into the program, letting me land the internship of my dreams, and then taking it all away. I'm pissed that I have to take all of these meds just to be a normal fucking person. It doesn't make sense to me and it doesn't feel fair.

However, my New Year's Resolution (everybody has to have one, right?) is to stop sitting around feeling sorry for myself and do something about it; find some way to change my life for the better. I may start working out or something to try to shed off some of the weight my meds have helped me gain or I'll be looking into new hobbies to get into-- maybe get established with a place for me to work on throwing pottery again.

I have so much free time now that I'm just working, so if anyone wants to hang out, just hollar!

I hope all of you who follow my blog are doing well. If you're not, you know I'm only a phone call or a text away. :)

P.S. Here are a couple of pictures of me and my pup.

"You've got a warm heart, you've got a beautiful brain. But it's disintegrating."

My blog posts are generally positive and exciting, but this one isn't- and that's okay. You want to really know what's going on in my life and how I'm doing? Well, here it is. If you don't want to be swarmed with negativity and/or profanity, don't read it.

A recap:
4 years

6 diagnoses explored

8 (really 10) medications tried

5 hospital visits

1 stay in the psych ward

3 therapists

2 nurse practitioners 

1 psychologist

2 psychotic breaks

35 visible scars
4 tattoos to cover the others up

Too many fat lips and black eyes
A lot of poor choices
Too many friendships fucked up
1 pretty broken person

0 fucks left to give

I am no longer who I used to be and that discourages me. The meds take a piece of me with them every day and night that I put them into my body. We are unsure if the side effects will go away, but "it's important that [I] stay on them."

They teach you from a young age that you can be whatever you want to be, and if you work hard enough, you can do whatever you put your mind to. Well, that's not true. Especially not when your mind keeps fucking you over.

That's how the fuck I'm doing, and what the fuck I've been up to.

"My head's above the rain and roses..."

Two years ago, I began my journey at EYC. It has been a wild two years to say the least. I was going through some of my stuff and I remembered that I had an awesome journal entry from my first day:

(Grandma, if you're reading this, you may want to skip this portion... there are a couple of F-bombs...)


February 24, 2015

My first day at [EYC]... yep. That place is fucking crazy and I don't know how I'm going to stick this shit out. Fucking help me. I can't do this.

I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this. I cannot do anything-- especially not this.



I started working at EYC to fulfill my 100 hours for our senior practicum course. I was told that the first two weeks would suck, but after about 2.5 weeks, I'd start to feel a change. They were right... About halfway through March, I fell in love with it. It's funny to think about all of the things that I've had to tackle in the past two years on and off shift. I had my car stolen by a client, experienced my first manic episode, and had my first hospitalization for a psychotic break. Yet, throughout my entire journey I haven't once been left completely alone. Of course, there were times that I did experience loneliness, as most people do, and I did lose some people along the way, but the ones that actually mattered stuck around. Some of the biggest supports during these times came from unexpected avenues-- people I was intimidated by, coworkers who I had rarely conversed with, and even a professor who I really looked up to.

Two years ago, I wasn't even remotely close to the person who I am today. EYC has taught me a whole heck of a lot of things. I have learned to be more open-minded, patient, and (while I still need some work in this realm) how to think outside of the box I used to compartmentalize things into. I'm so thankful that I've been blessed with the opportunity to serve our youth and grow with some incredible people.

I know this is pretty sappy, but right now I'm just thankful for my job and the people I get to see almost every day. It gets rough at times, but that's when we need to turn to one another for support as opposed to openly firing rounds out of frustration (which I myself am certainly guilty of). I have met some of my greatest friends and some of the best people I know over these past two years and I cannot even express my gratitude for the opportunity I was presented with when I was offered the job.

Right now, I am seeking out ways to expand my position and work my way up to fulfill my long-term goal of being a licensed clinician, and I am very excited for new changes that are in the works.

My knee is completely healed now, and I am finally off of light duty. Chad and I hit the mountain last weekend and it was really great to get back up there and breathe in the fresh Mt. Spokane air. I'm really thankful to have such a sweet and carefree guy in my life. ☺️

All-in-all, School is going well. Work is going well. All is well.

I hope all is well with you,

-A

"Sugar, we're going down swinging."

Hello!

November seems to have snuck up on me this year, and it has brought some wonderful and challenging new components.

I have officially been hired on as a full-time team staff at work, which brings on more responsibilities as well as an opportunity to get to know the kids in my unit on a deeper level. I am really excited for this opportunity. I've only worked two shifts in the new position and I'm already being challenged... which I believe is a good thing.

School has been pretty steady and not really unbearable, so that's a positive thing. I've officially decided to extend my program from 2 to 3 years, which I think is going to make working full-time and going to school a lot more manageable. I am supposed to be starting my practicum (seeing clients) in January, but that's still up in the air. I may decide to wait a year until I hop onboard with that because I feel like it's really ethically important that I'm in a place that's ready to counsel people before I do so. I don't want to be hasty with this process-- these are real lives I'm going to be working with.

Speaking of which, something really weird has been going on. I feel like right now, a lot of the people I care deeply about are going through some hard times. I don't know why it's happening all at once, but something marvelous is happening with it. Everyone is struggling, yet everyone is also trying to support one another. It's almost like we all have these glasses of water that are only 1/4 full and emptying quickly, yet we're still using our glasses to fill up one another's. It's a cycle of emotional exhaustion, yet people's glasses remain filled because everyone just cares so freaking much that they're willing to spare a little water even with how little they may have. It kind of reminds me of the story in the bible where Jesus feeds an entire village with only five loaves of bread and two fish. It just goes to show that God does provide when it's truly needed. Support is an incredible thing and comes in so many different forms. Whether it's something as simple as a hug on a hard day, or sitting with someone for hours so they don't have to be alone, it still makes an impact and means a lot. If you are reading this and you identify with this, I would like for you to know that you are loved and supported, and I have water to spare if or whenever you may need it; all you need to do is reach out and ask for it.

I've been trying to be more intentional about using my coping skills and branching out in my interests, so that's been kind of cool. I've been quilting more, which is something that I really, really enjoy doing and takes my mind off of things when I need it to. I'm also making it a goal to go to church regularly, so tomorrow will be my first day trying to get back into the swing of that.

My childhood best friend, Samara, celebrated a one-year vow renewal a couple of weeks ago, and I was fortunate enough to be invited to be a part of the ceremony. We had a nice pre-wedding "I know you're already married, but this is exciting and this is your big day." chat which really made it real to me that she's grown up and doing that whole "adulting" thing. I'm so happy that she was able to find her soulmate at and that she is truly happy. We spent an entire day celebrating her bachelorette party which was probably my favorite part of the weekend. Part of the day entailed a wine and paint party where I was told by the instructor that I have "my own kind of artistic style" (a.k.a. I suck at painting) so I ended up giving up and painting the death star over my moon.

My parents will be in town this weekend, so I'm really looking forward to that. I've been pretty homesick lately, especially with the anticipation that I may not be able to go home for the holidays because of this new work schedule. But, I have faith that I'll be able to work out at least a couple of days to sneak away.

Today, I drove over to Clarkston to see my friend Amanda. It was so good to see her. She was such a huge part of my Spokane undergrad experience and is someone who means a lot to me, so it really was a blessing to get to have a day with her. We went fishing and both caught a fish, so that was pretty cool. We ended the day with pizza at Fazzari's where I tried pizza with onions and sauerkraut on it... it was AWESOME.

Winter is approaching which means snow will begin to fall and snowboarding season will be back! I bought a season pass for Mt. Spokane this year, so I'll probably be going up at least every Saturday, so if anyone is interested in joining, just hit me up! Another dear friend, Jessica, is going to be trekking over all the way from Chicago so we can enjoy a couple of days up at the mountain together, so that is another thing I will be looking forward to.

Other than that, not much is going on with me. My life has basically been school, work, and doing laundry while making time to spend with friends on the side. I am so thankful for the friends I have, old and new. There are just some things that I don't think I could have done alone, so I am extremely grateful for them.

Thank you so much for reading up on my Spokane hijinks. As I mentioned earlier in this post, if you are in need of support or anything, please don't hesitate to reach out. We all need to take care of one another in this intense and scary world.

-A

P.S. Here's a picture of an Ashley Taylor Senf I masterpiece. I hung it up in my parents' kitchen while they were sleeping. It does not go with their decor at all, but I'm sure my mom loves waking up and having her coffee while admiring how I threw off the vibe of our house. You're welcome, Tudie.

P.P.S. 40 DAYS UNTIL ROGUE ONE COMES OUT!!!!!!
(Here's a countdown for anyone that needs it)