"Hey man, look at me rocking out..."

Wow, it's been longer than normal since I updated this. January seems like an eternity ago...

When I last updated y'all, I was coming to terms with dropping out of grad school and was still on the search for the perfect concoction of medications. Since then, there has been a LOT of trial and error, but I feel like the spot that I'm in right now is where I want to be.

Here's a little bit of a recap: it's been about 5~6 years since I received my first diagnosis where I started the medication exploration process and 1 year since I did the extensive testing that gave a more concrete picture of what we're working with. I have tried 12 different medications in that time and have had too many dose, release lengths, etc. changes to count, and right now, I can confidently say that Latuda has given me my life back. For those of you who do not know much about medications, Latuda is a newer drug that is in the antipsychotic class. However, it also serves as a powerful tool for fighting the depressive side of Bipolar disorder. In my experience, it has almost completely eliminated any form of psychotic symptoms as well as completely leveled out my mood. It has been a rocky road, but things right now are going really, really well. October/November is a very common time for me to have lots of fluctuations in my mood, but so far, I have not experienced any drastic highs or lows. It has taken a lot of time and energy to get my mental health leveled out, so now my big focus is going to be to get caught back up and healthy in the aspects of my life that I let slip in the process.

There are some amazing people that have backed me through this journey, and the patience, kindness, and encouragement that I've received from my friends and family has not gone unnoticed or unappreciated. If you're sitting there wondering if you're a part of that, you are. Every moment that those of you spent sitting or processing through stuff with me, every squeeze I was given on a low day, every celebratory high-five, every "hey, you're doing a good job", and every random check in that's been extended to me has added up and made a wall that was impossible for the mental illness to overcome. For that support, I am eternally grateful and oh so humbled. There have been a few people that I've lost along the way, but I believe that that is life's way of showing you who your real friends are. And in the words of my mom, sometimes you need to just "forget about those bitches, because you've got other bitches."

I'm working Thanksgiving morning, but afterwards I will be catching a flight home (to make it in time for a late dinner) where I will also get to spend a whole week with my parents, sister, and nephews. I am beyond stoked to get away from Spokane for a little bit and to get a good chunk of quality time in with them. I'm still a little uneasy about going home without Emily being there, but thankfully Vader will be with me, so he'll serve as a good distraction.

I hope you, whoever you may be, are doing well and that the holiday season is treating you kindly. Please don't hesitate to reach out to me if you are in need of support, squeezes, or baked goods (I'm killing it on the baking game lately). I will leave you with a bible verse that sits warmly with me right now:

"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us." 
Romans 8:18

Much love,
Ashley Taylor Phoenix Senf




P.S. Here are some pictures that highlight my year!



My little bear and me backed by our city.



My Spokane crew of bitches... always up to no good and always having fun while doing so.



Vader likes to smile at me...



The girls came to visit in May... it was wonderful to have a little bit of time with them. <3



Lucas and me at the dinosaur exhibit. He's only choking me a little bit...



I took Vader paddle boarding for the first time... he had mixed feelings. He also fell in only a few times...



Vader on our camping trip in Montana. Taken in portrait mode.



Marcus and I had a weekend auntie-Markie getaway to the cabin in September... definitely learned that I'm not quite ready to be a mom.



Group shot of the cabin crew.



Chrissy (my little big sister) came to visit Spokane. We enjoyed a night out together.



Cuddle time with Vader and my beautiful ol' girl, Em, who I miss tremendously.



And then this is just me. Feeling good and ready to party.

"I got one hand in my pocket, and the other one is giving a high-five..."

I apologize for the negativity of my last couple of posts. Those both came from emotional, broken states of confusion and loss. I have taken some time to self-reflect, and I have decided that everything is indeed going to be okay.

I did drop out of school, but that doesn't mean that it was all for nothing. I found a few amazing friends in that program and I learned a lot about how to truly understand and listen to people and just be a decent human being. I failed for the first time ever. Yeah, I have had moments of failure in music and sports, but never academic and I needed to fail. I needed to know that it was okay to fail and that it didn't make me any less of a person, because it didn't.

I have been so fucking lonely since I started doing school and work full time because I was just too busy to actually make time to spend with people, and just in the past two weeks, I've been able to have a girls night with my grandma and spend time with friends. Honestly, I've probably spent more time with people just this month than I did the entire fall semester. I'm not joking.

And now, I don't feel as lonely. Yes, I'm sad and I'm disappointed in myself for not being able to finish the program, but I am accepting that that was God's way of telling me to slow the heck down and enjoy life. I was too busy living my life waiting for the day that I'd be able to sit back and enjoy watching all of my hard work pay off and completely disregarded watching out for my own well-being in the meantime.

I believe that I am going to be a healthier individual now, just because I am taking time to take care of myself and to have fun.

As much as it has sucked to sit in the grossness of disappointment I'm feeling, I really am doing okay and I have faith that as the days and weeks go by, I will continue to be more and more thankful for this opportunity to grow and truly have time again.

Thank you for sticking it out with me and for all of the encouragement I have received throughout what were some of the hardest times in my life. Thanks to all of the love and prayers, I can confidently say that things are looking up from here.

-Ash

"Are the angels on their way? I'm in the dust."

My last post was super negative, so I'm going to try to be as positive as possible while still being honest. So, realistically, it's probably going to be another negative one.

This year has started out in a way that I never would have expected it to. We still haven't found the perfect cocktail of medications for me. All of the changes has really messed with my brain chemistry and has screwed up my ability to process and retain information. With all of that being said, I had to make the choice to quit trying to "fake it 'til I make it" and quit school.

I have worked my ass off these past 1.5 years and I am absolutely devastated that this is what had to be done. But after last semester, I knew that it was time to throw in the towel. I have never felt as defeated and mortified as I do right now and I am just hoping that I will find something that shows me that all of that wasted time and money wasn't actually wasted.

Getting my Master's degree was something that I was incredibly proud of and having to let that go has taken a huge blow to my pride and self-worth. This is not a cry for help or me seeking out other people to build me up, because that's not what I need. I need to figure out how to build myself up and be okay with who I am right now.

I'm pissed at God for allowing me to get into the program, letting me land the internship of my dreams, and then taking it all away. I'm pissed that I have to take all of these meds just to be a normal fucking person. It doesn't make sense to me and it doesn't feel fair.

However, my New Year's Resolution (everybody has to have one, right?) is to stop sitting around feeling sorry for myself and do something about it; find some way to change my life for the better. I may start working out or something to try to shed off some of the weight my meds have helped me gain or I'll be looking into new hobbies to get into-- maybe get established with a place for me to work on throwing pottery again.

I have so much free time now that I'm just working, so if anyone wants to hang out, just hollar!

I hope all of you who follow my blog are doing well. If you're not, you know I'm only a phone call or a text away. :)

P.S. Here are a couple of pictures of me and my pup.