"You need to just stop... like, can you just not?"

Update: Almost Day 16

Yesterday I was sent home from work due to an assault that resulted in a concussion. I am doing well, just not feeling 100% yet. I had a CT scan yesterday as well which came back normal, so all-in-all, things are okay.

It was very hard for me to leave. When the assault first happened, I was considering going home but decided that I wanted to stay. Unfortunately, the choice was not mine. It's pretty discouraging to get through the hardest part of living on campus and then have it fall short of what I was planning, but it is likely for the best.

My mom is on her way into town with my dogs, which will be a sigh of relief for me. I have missed them SO much, but they have been so well taken care of, which I am very thankful for.

That's really all I've got. I'm clear to return to working on 4/29, so I will be taking it easy until then. When I am given the go-ahead from the doctor, I will have the ability to work from home, so I don't have to deal with unemployment or anything, which will be nice.

I hope you all are doing well and that this quarantine is going smoothly for you.

I started taking daily pictures of campus shortly after I moved in, so I will share some of those so you all can see the beauty that lies within our campus.

Take care,

Ashley

Disclaimer: the views and opinions expressed in this blog are those of the author and do not reflect the policy or position of the agency in which the individual is employed

"Is everybody going crazy?"

Howdy!

Things are crazy in the world right now. Things are crazy in my world, too.

With the COVID-19 virus going around, a lot has happened in the past month. For my future self, I'm gonna list a little bit (you can skip this part, as it is all about the COVID-19 virus' effects).

• Grocery stores are limiting the amount of people who can shop in the store
• Walmart closes at 8:30p right now (WTF?!?!?!)
• People are walking around in face masks and gloves
• Millions of people are out of work
• We are expected to stay home unless going out for "essential" needs

But, the biggest thing that has happened in my life is I am now living at my job for the next month. With all of the stuff going on, we have decided that it is in our best interest to quarantine staff on campus to help prevent spread to our youth and staff. There's a team of 11 people here, and we're all ready to take this challenge on. We are not allowed to leave the campus, but are being fed and delivered essential items.

My first night staying at work was last night. It was kind of a rough night because this setting is very similar to hospital settings that I've been in in the past, which has been slightly triggering, but I'm hanging in there. With that being said, I'm sure this will become "normal" very soon- just gotta tough it out in the meantime. If anything, I'm hoping this is going to help this setting feel more normal so if there is another hospital stay in my future it won't be as difficult as it has been in the past. My mental health is really, really good right now, though, so that's a huge blessing.

I'm really excited to have the opportunity to grow closer with our team and to be a part of something this big. I know in my last blog post I talked about shifting my priorities with work and school, but with the current events, I decided that I needed to put my own feelings aside and step up to the plate.

Anyway, all-in-all, I am keeping my head up and looking forward. School is going well, the dogs are as cute as ever, and I have a new roommate (my best friend, Sara). 

Thanks for checking in on how I'm doing. Stay safe out there, folks!

-Ashley Taylor Phoenix Senf I

"My shit's so lit, we ain't ever gonna quit."

Hey there,

This blog post is a little different than my usual posts, as I am going to speak mostly on my professional career and not much regarding my social life or mental health.

Not much to report. I've been pushing my way through school and doing the work thing too. It's been a weird couple of months; I have come to the realization that I have been viewing my career in the wrong lens. It has become very clear to me that I am not going to achieve what I want to by waiting for my job to see my worth, which has screwed me over time and time again. Instead, I am shifting my focus and prioritizing school. The way I am starting to see it is, I am a full-time graduate student and have a source of income on the side to support me through it. School has shown me numerous times that I have worth and can be very successful if I put all of myself into it. I started this semester in a slump and was still prioritizing work over everything. Before I knew it, my grade had plummeted to a 41%. I told myself that if I failed the class, it was time to drop out for good, but if I could pass and pull it off, I would finish the degree. In four weeks, I brought my grade up to an 80% and ended up passing the class. To top it all off, I have been invited to join the honor society, which is something that did not happen to me during undergrad. The realization that school should be more important that work has made me feel very empowered. I am starting to practice healthy boundaries and not put more of myself than is expected to maintain an income. I can't wait for next May when I am done with school and get to jump into a functional, professional setting.

As far as my mental health, I've been better, but I've also been worse. We haven't been adjusting my meds at all, which has been a really nice break from instability. I am still gaining weight (a side effect of the Seroquel, which in turn has screwed with my eating habits and lifestyle) and am feeling a lot of fatigue, but I'm alive and I'm not completely miserable, so I'd say that's a win. I am working on quitting smoking right now, and it is proving to be very difficult but progress is being made.

I took a quick trip with my grandma to Montana this past weekend. We stayed in a hotel that was built in 1882 that was right on the Missouri River. It was amazing. We were visiting my aunt and cousins, who I don't get to see very often. I enjoyed the time with them and hope we can do more things like that so we can see each other more. Time with them is always time well spent.

The dogs are doing well and my parents are coming to visit this weekend. I'm looking forward to some quality time with them, and I'm sure they're looking forward to getting away from the west side of the state, as it is quickly shutting down. Spokane is doing pretty well, but we are out of toilet paper too.

I hope things are going well with you, reader, and that you are staying positive in this awful world,

Ashley

Disclaimer: the views and opinions expressed in this blog are those of the author and do not reflect the policy or position of the agency in which the individual is employed




I don't have a bunch of pics to post this time. But here's one of me just doing my own thing.

"If I go down, I will go down fighting."

Heyyo!

This is probably the closest together I've ever made a blog post, but a lot has happened in the past month, so I figured an update was worth it for those of you who follow my blog.

July was a huge month for me. I was in a pretty weird space for most of it (probably because change and I don't get along), but as I look back, it was one of the best months I've ever had. I was able to get back to the grad school grind and am over halfway through my first class with a 96%.

A couple of weeks ago, I took a quick trip to California to see the final Vans Warped Tour, which is something I have really wanted to go to. I got to go with one of my best college friends, Hyeon, and a couple of her good friends. It was an amazing little getaway and the change of scenery was exactly what I needed to refuel so I could come back ready to put the pedal to the metal.

A lot of the rest of this post is going to be super sappy, but we all know I'm a sap, so what's new? If you can't take the sap, don't sit under the tree (is that a real saying or did I just make that up???)

Anyway...

I was amazed at the generosity and support I received this month from my friends and family through all of these transitions. I just signed my life away (okay, that's dramatic... only 30 years) and purchased a house. My parents spent a week in Spokane helping me pack, move, and get settled into the new house. I didn't think ahead (what's new?) and take the week off work to prep for the move, so they spent 3 days working morning to night without me there just so the house would be ready for me to move into. After my work week had concluded, we spent another 3 entire days working, moving, unpacking, cleaning, etc. (you name it, we were doing it.) To top it all off, my grandparents also dedicated their week to helping me get everything set up including building a fence, painting, and cleaning their petunias off. I was then blessed by my uncle dedicating his weekend to help us get things done as well (he is also the best moving truck loader I have ever known). I am humbled and baffled that so many people dedicated so much time, sweat, and work to help me make this happen. I could NOT have done this alone, and for that I am so very grateful.

The week before the move was really rough and I was experiencing a crapload (I'm filtering my language just for you, Grandma) of anxiety with work stuff. I was humbled as I was set back a little bit and needed to rely on people to help get the job done, but the people that were relied on did so without me even needing to ask and with no strings or complaints attached; it was actually the opposite. Hands were extended and grace was given as I was hit with a reminder that I am human. I am very thankful for the work family that I get to spend my weeks with and that we all do our best to support and nurture one another. I am stoked to say that I received a promotion last week. This new position is something that I have been working hard towards and have been waiting for for a while now, so I am jazzed to get to it!

All-in-all, it was a humbling, but very, very blessed month for me. Things are starting to slow down for me and I finally feel like I can breathe again. I would not have grown as much as I did without the support of those in my squad and this is me extending a massive thank you to those of you that have been there for me through these transitions in life.

I would like to conclude this with another one of my sappy take-home messages:

I want to you to really take this in, because it is applicable to every single one of you.
You are loved. You matter. You are enough. You are freaking awesome.
Don't ever let life ever trick you into thinking that any of those things are not true.
I know this because I have lived it (just like most everybody in the world), and I am a living specimen sitting here promising you that things get better. Life may take a massive dump on you at times, but there is a light ahead and you have to push through the darkness to get there.

That's all I have for now. I have tacos waiting for me, so I really need to wrap this up. I also just realized that I haven't finished the new season of Stranger Things, so y'all probably won't hear from me for a few days.

I hope everyone's August starts off great and only gets better as it carries on.

God bless,

Ashley Taylor Phoenix Senf I


I only have one picture for this post, and its sole purpose is to gross everyone that doesn't have an attached-at-the-hip relationship with their dog out. Here Vader and I are on a drive enjoying the little things in life. He is the best. sidekick. ever.

"I like to dance under streetlamps and walk upon the clouds..."

Hey there!

A lot has happened since I updated this in November! Mostly good things, actually.

In May, I flew to Texas to watch my oldest sister graduate with her Master's in Marriage and Family Therapy from Abilene Christian University. While I was there, she convinced me to apply to their program. (I didn't take much convincing since I've been wanting to go back to finish my degree...) Anyway, long story short, I got in! I have officially started classes and am on my way to finishing that pesky degree that I have worked so hard on. Despite the several inquiries regarding whether I will be moving to Abilene or not, I can confidently say I am not, nor do I ever intend to move to Abilene... mark my words. The program is online, which is going to be a great fit for me. I have always struggled to take in information while sitting in class, as my ADHD is not very kind to sitting still and concentrating for as long as class sessions generally are. I am very super excited for this new learning format. Ever since I dropped out of Whitworth January 2018, it has been like a black cloud following me around, reminding me that I didn't amount to what I thought I would. I already feel like that cloud is gone, and I am back on track to get this shit done! So, hopefully, I will be able to drop my diploma on the stage in May 2021, just like Bink did.

Other than school, there are some other big changes approaching. I am currently in the process of buying a house. As long as the appraisal goes as planned, I should be in at the end of July! The house is super cute and my bedroom will actually be a fully finished loft. I'm pretty stoked about it. I am definitely being that millennial who has skipped the marriage and kid portion (for now) and am trying to make sure my dog gets to live his best life. I've been reluctant to share about that part of my journey because last year when I went through this process, it crumbled at the last minute and I'm still a little nervous, but this time has gone much smoother and everything has lined up perfectly.

While those are both two pretty big things for me, my biggest accomplishment hasn't happened quite yet. On July 18th, I will be able to officially say that it has been a year since I've had any mental-health-related hospital trips. This is going to be a pretty huge milestone because, since 2015, I've averaged going to the hospital 2-3 times a year. That is a good testament to how well this intricate concoction of medications is working. It has been an odd year. I have realized that I am still not the me that I used to be or that I want to be. I am starting to realize, though, that I will never be that person again. If I was, all of this work and all of these hardships would have been for nothing. Now, I am starting to redefine who Ashley is and what that truly looks like. But, this Ashley is doing a pretty darn good job. It hasn't been perfect (not even a little bit), but the struggles that I've faced this year do not amount to the hurdles I have faced in the past, and I am blessed to be able to say that. My care team has been the brunt and brains behind this progress. Yeah, I may be paying them to do their job, but they have navigated this all with patience and grace and encouragement and I can not thank them enough. My nurse practitioner is actually going to be retiring in August, so I'm a little nervous about finding a replacement as great as her, but I'm sure it will work out how it needs to.

Another big thank you should be extended to my support system of friends, family, and mentors. I am not always the easiest friend or daughter or sister to have, but I am trying my best and the grace and empathy that has been extended to me is infinitely appreciated. I am truly blessed to have such an army behind me. To those of you out there who have been a part of my army, thank you... so much.

This week, I will be trekking out to Clancy, MT to go camping at our family cabin for the Fourth of July. I am beyond stoked to have some uninterrupted time with my family. Thunderstorms are forecasted for the entire time we're there, so we may be all holed up in the cabin for the weekend, but it'll be fun nonetheless. I haven't told Vader that we're going yet, but he is also going to be stoked... a long drive and time outdoors is all that pup wants in life. (We will be stopping for puppachinos along the way, too.)

Anyway, that's the scoop! I hope you, whoever you are, are having a great start to your week. And I hope your Fourth of July is truly blessed and you're spending it doing something enjoyable... even if it's just for a moment. Get out, be with others, and take care of yourself, because you are worth it.

Before I sign off, I would like to leave you all with this tidbit. We all experience hardships and trying times. I have had my fair share and I certainly will again. With that being said, reach out when you need it. Accept help when it's offered. Embrace the existence of others because we can't all do this "life" thing alone.

Give a hug, a high-five, a wedgie... anything. Be there. Be present. Love those who mean anything to you.

Much love,
Ashley Taylor Phoenix Senf I



If you're into visuals, here's my life lately...





Living my best life.
March 2019



Family outing to the Chief's game! ( I only spilled my beer once...) 
March 2019



Texas squad!
May 2019

Late night hot dice games with Crispy via FaceTime.

April 2019

My bestest brother, JoJo... 

May 2019

Lucas and Vader out for a stroll.
June 2019

Seeing Marcus' favorite band, The Strumbellas, in Seattle! 

May 2019

Part of the squad! 

September 2018

Me after I received the call that I got into ACU!

May 2019

Pops and me at the KISS concert.

February 2019

Visiting Bink for her graduation!

May 2019

Merry Bitchmas party!

December 2018

If everything goes as planned, this will be my home in July 2019.

Yes, I did put peanut butter on my face to get this picture...and I died laughing the whole time.

February 2019

I've only beat her up once...

November 2018

Kenzie takes mustard shots for people's birthdays...

December 2018

Jordan and I make questionable, but awesome, decisions.
October 2018

Squad! Squad! Squad!!!!
October 2018

"Hey man, look at me rocking out..."

Wow, it's been longer than normal since I updated this. January seems like an eternity ago...

When I last updated y'all, I was coming to terms with dropping out of grad school and was still on the search for the perfect concoction of medications. Since then, there has been a LOT of trial and error, but I feel like the spot that I'm in right now is where I want to be.

Here's a little bit of a recap: it's been about 5~6 years since I received my first diagnosis where I started the medication exploration process and 1 year since I did the extensive testing that gave a more concrete picture of what we're working with. I have tried 12 different medications in that time and have had too many dose, release lengths, etc. changes to count, and right now, I can confidently say that Latuda has given me my life back. For those of you who do not know much about medications, Latuda is a newer drug that is in the antipsychotic class. However, it also serves as a powerful tool for fighting the depressive side of Bipolar disorder. In my experience, it has almost completely eliminated any form of psychotic symptoms as well as completely leveled out my mood. It has been a rocky road, but things right now are going really, really well. October/November is a very common time for me to have lots of fluctuations in my mood, but so far, I have not experienced any drastic highs or lows. It has taken a lot of time and energy to get my mental health leveled out, so now my big focus is going to be to get caught back up and healthy in the aspects of my life that I let slip in the process.

There are some amazing people that have backed me through this journey, and the patience, kindness, and encouragement that I've received from my friends and family has not gone unnoticed or unappreciated. If you're sitting there wondering if you're a part of that, you are. Every moment that those of you spent sitting or processing through stuff with me, every squeeze I was given on a low day, every celebratory high-five, every "hey, you're doing a good job", and every random check in that's been extended to me has added up and made a wall that was impossible for the mental illness to overcome. For that support, I am eternally grateful and oh so humbled. There have been a few people that I've lost along the way, but I believe that that is life's way of showing you who your real friends are. And in the words of my mom, sometimes you need to just "forget about those bitches, because you've got other bitches."

I'm working Thanksgiving morning, but afterwards I will be catching a flight home (to make it in time for a late dinner) where I will also get to spend a whole week with my parents, sister, and nephews. I am beyond stoked to get away from Spokane for a little bit and to get a good chunk of quality time in with them. I'm still a little uneasy about going home without Emily being there, but thankfully Vader will be with me, so he'll serve as a good distraction.

I hope you, whoever you may be, are doing well and that the holiday season is treating you kindly. Please don't hesitate to reach out to me if you are in need of support, squeezes, or baked goods (I'm killing it on the baking game lately). I will leave you with a bible verse that sits warmly with me right now:

"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us." 
Romans 8:18

Much love,
Ashley Taylor Phoenix Senf




P.S. Here are some pictures that highlight my year!



My little bear and me backed by our city.



My Spokane crew of bitches... always up to no good and always having fun while doing so.



Vader likes to smile at me...



The girls came to visit in May... it was wonderful to have a little bit of time with them. <3



Lucas and me at the dinosaur exhibit. He's only choking me a little bit...



I took Vader paddle boarding for the first time... he had mixed feelings. He also fell in only a few times...



Vader on our camping trip in Montana. Taken in portrait mode.



Marcus and I had a weekend auntie-Markie getaway to the cabin in September... definitely learned that I'm not quite ready to be a mom.



Group shot of the cabin crew.



Chrissy (my little big sister) came to visit Spokane. We enjoyed a night out together.



Cuddle time with Vader and my beautiful ol' girl, Em, who I miss tremendously.



And then this is just me. Feeling good and ready to party.

"I got one hand in my pocket, and the other one is giving a high-five..."

I apologize for the negativity of my last couple of posts. Those both came from emotional, broken states of confusion and loss. I have taken some time to self-reflect, and I have decided that everything is indeed going to be okay.

I did drop out of school, but that doesn't mean that it was all for nothing. I found a few amazing friends in that program and I learned a lot about how to truly understand and listen to people and just be a decent human being. I failed for the first time ever. Yeah, I have had moments of failure in music and sports, but never academic and I needed to fail. I needed to know that it was okay to fail and that it didn't make me any less of a person, because it didn't.

I have been so fucking lonely since I started doing school and work full time because I was just too busy to actually make time to spend with people, and just in the past two weeks, I've been able to have a girls night with my grandma and spend time with friends. Honestly, I've probably spent more time with people just this month than I did the entire fall semester. I'm not joking.

And now, I don't feel as lonely. Yes, I'm sad and I'm disappointed in myself for not being able to finish the program, but I am accepting that that was God's way of telling me to slow the heck down and enjoy life. I was too busy living my life waiting for the day that I'd be able to sit back and enjoy watching all of my hard work pay off and completely disregarded watching out for my own well-being in the meantime.

I believe that I am going to be a healthier individual now, just because I am taking time to take care of myself and to have fun.

As much as it has sucked to sit in the grossness of disappointment I'm feeling, I really am doing okay and I have faith that as the days and weeks go by, I will continue to be more and more thankful for this opportunity to grow and truly have time again.

Thank you for sticking it out with me and for all of the encouragement I have received throughout what were some of the hardest times in my life. Thanks to all of the love and prayers, I can confidently say that things are looking up from here.

-Ash