Metamorphosis: July 2019

Hey there!

A lot has happened since I updated this in November! Mostly good things, actually.

In May, I flew to Texas to watch my oldest sister graduate with her Master's in Marriage and Family Therapy from Abilene Christian University. While I was there, she convinced me to apply to their program. (I didn't take much convincing since I've been wanting to go back to finish my degree...) Anyway, long story short, I got in! I have officially started classes and am on my way to finishing that pesky degree that I have worked so hard on. Despite the several inquiries regarding whether I will be moving to Abilene or not, I can confidently say I am not, nor do I ever intend to move to Abilene... mark my words. The program is online, which is going to be a great fit for me. I have always struggled to take in information while sitting in class, as my ADHD is not very kind to sitting still and concentrating for as long as class sessions generally are. I am very super excited for this new learning format. Ever since I dropped out of Whitworth January 2018, it has been like a black cloud following me around, reminding me that I didn't amount to what I thought I would. I already feel like that cloud is gone, and I am back on track to get this shit done! So, hopefully, I will be able to drop my diploma on the stage in May 2021, just like Bink did.

Other than school, there are some other big changes approaching. I am currently in the process of buying a house. As long as the appraisal goes as planned, I should be in at the end of July! The house is super cute and my bedroom will actually be a fully finished loft. I'm pretty stoked about it. I am definitely being that millennial who has skipped the marriage and kid portion (for now) and am trying to make sure my dog gets to live his best life. I've been reluctant to share about that part of my journey because last year when I went through this process, it crumbled at the last minute and I'm still a little nervous, but this time has gone much smoother and everything has lined up perfectly.

While those are both two pretty big things for me, my biggest accomplishment hasn't happened quite yet. On July 18th, I will be able to officially say that it has been a year since I've had any mental-health-related hospital trips. This is going to be a pretty huge milestone because, since 2015, I've averaged going to the hospital 2-3 times a year. That is a good testament to how well this intricate concoction of medications is working. It has been an odd year. I have realized that I am still not the me that I used to be or that I want to be. I am starting to realize, though, that I will never be that person again. If I was, all of this work and all of these hardships would have been for nothing. Now, I am starting to redefine who Ashley is and what that truly looks like. But, this Ashley is doing a pretty darn good job. It hasn't been perfect (not even a little bit), but the struggles that I've faced this year do not amount to the hurdles I have faced in the past, and I am blessed to be able to say that. My care team has been the brunt and brains behind this progress. Yeah, I may be paying them to do their job, but they have navigated this all with patience and grace and encouragement and I can not thank them enough. My nurse practitioner is actually going to be retiring in August, so I'm a little nervous about finding a replacement as great as her, but I'm sure it will work out how it needs to.

Another big thank you should be extended to my support system of friends, family, and mentors. I am not always the easiest friend or daughter or sister to have, but I am trying my best and the grace and empathy that has been extended to me is infinitely appreciated. I am truly blessed to have such an army behind me. To those of you out there who have been a part of my army, thank you... so much.

This week, I will be trekking out to Clancy, MT to go camping at our family cabin for the Fourth of July. I am beyond stoked to have some uninterrupted time with my family. Thunderstorms are forecasted for the entire time we're there, so we may be all holed up in the cabin for the weekend, but it'll be fun nonetheless. I haven't told Vader that we're going yet, but he is also going to be stoked... a long drive and time outdoors is all that pup wants in life. (We will be stopping for puppachinos along the way, too.)

Anyway, that's the scoop! I hope you, whoever you are, are having a great start to your week. And I hope your Fourth of July is truly blessed and you're spending it doing something enjoyable... even if it's just for a moment. Get out, be with others, and take care of yourself, because you are worth it.

Before I sign off, I would like to leave you all with this tidbit. We all experience hardships and trying times. I have had my fair share and I certainly will again. With that being said, reach out when you need it. Accept help when it's offered. Embrace the existence of others because we can't all do this "life" thing alone.

Give a hug, a high-five, a wedgie... anything. Be there. Be present. Love those who mean anything to you.

Much love,
Ashley Taylor Phoenix Senf I

If you're into visuals, here's my life lately...