Oh man, I have a feeling this is going to be a long one, so get a drink in your hand and buckle up boys and girls because I'm about to get all up in the feels and stuff.
(This portion was written after I got back from Thailand... I just forgot to publish it)
How's that for an intro? Can you tell I haven't slept in a long time? Yeah, me either.
ANYWAY, I got back from Thailand late Sunday night, early Monday morning. The Whitworth Wind Symphony went on a Spring Break excursion where we played a few concerts and spent the rest of the time taking an adventure through the Thai culture.
I came into this year without any remote expectation of being in the Wind Symphony let alone going on tour with them-- I didn't even bother to audition. Honestly, I sat on it for a while and I tried to convince myself to audition (especially after seeing where they were touring to), but I couldn't get myself to do it because I was so afraid of not getting in again and having to deal with that rejection one more time. I was a little sad when auditions were over and I still hadn't signed up for a slot, but I knew that it was for the best. However, that night I received an email from Dr. Strauch (with the subject line of "URGENT!!!" notifying me that there was a spot open for tuba and inviting me to take it. That was an email that stopped me dead in my tracks. First off, when you receive and email with the subject line "URGENT!!!", it's going to startle you because you're wondering what the hell is going on and what could be so urgent, but also because that is the exact email that I begged God to send me last year. And apparently, He delivered, just a little later than I was expecting. Anyway, I stared at that screen for a while and after talking to my parents, decided that it was a sign that I needed to go back for one last round and end my tuba career with a bang. Let me just say that I am so freaking glad that I took this opportunity. I forgot what it felt like to be in rehearsal and I forgot what it felt like to be a part of a community as strong as the Wind Symphony. Music has always been something that fuels me and I just feel so empowered and happy when I'm playing, that I couldn't imagine this year without it.
(This part was written now...)
Pardon my language this next paragraph, but it's about to get real and the filter's dipping out.
Last fall was so fucking hard on me. I'm not trying to complain, but I have to complain a little bit so I can get to the positive side at the end of this...
It was so fucking hard and I honestly didn't think I was going to make it out in one piece. I slipped to a high that felt like the lowest I had ever been before and I completely lost myself. I didn't realize I was gone it was too late and I hit rock bottom. I'm not going to go into much more detail than that, but I'll just end it by saying that it was a huge wake up call as far as what my body and mind are capable of and I now understand the importance of self-care, self-awareness, and being proactive. However, despite everything that went down, I experienced the most genuine unconditional love that I have ever felt. With everything that happened, and all of the shit I put people through, I had a couple of people who stuck by me through it all. Even with the hurt that I put people through, they selflessly showed me love and sat with me through it all and I won't ever be able to express how much that meant to me, but it really did.
Now, flashing forward to the future...
I graduate in 34 days. With that door closing in my life is going to come some incredibly hard "see you laters", and I'm not ready for them, but it's inevitable. I have been accepted into Whitworth's Marriage and Family therapy Master's program, and I have committed to it. That program is going to start in June, so my biggest objective right now is finding a place to live, which has been a struggle. The housing situation I have right now is so perfect that I'm finding myself overly critical of every opportunity that comes in front of me. However, that is honestly the least of my worries.
Right now, I'm just stuck in this terribly terrified and sad feeling. When I came to Spokane, I knew nothing about the city. I built everything I know about Spokane with some of the greatest people in this world. When I think of Spokane, I think of the things that we share together. I look at restaurants, parks, hikes, etc. and can't help but associate them with the people that I often shared them with, and it's so hard to imagine those places without those people. It's going to feel so wrong sharing those places with anyone but them, and it's overwhelming. I don't want to here without them, because they are my Spokane. (I hope that doesn't sound too weird) My people are graduating and moving on to start their lives elsewhere, and I'm so excited to see the amazing things they do for this world, but I am also terrified of the lonely feeling that is going to suffocate me once it's time to part ways. I know I'm not going to be alone, but I know that it will never be the same and I'm going to have to feel empty for a little bit before I can start to build a new foundation. I'm having a hard time accepting that right now, but like I said, it's inevitable, so I'm going to have to get through it. Every time I have reached out to God for guidance, he has delivered, so I know that staying in Spokane and working towards my future is what I need to do. I'm afraid that I'm going to sink into another low like I did last fall and not have my support system to keep me in check, but I know I'll never be alone. Their support has helped me learn how to help myself, so they have left an infinite mark on me.
I have some dreams that I am ready to start to fulfill. I want to be a therapist and I want to change the lives of people who are going through hardships. I want to use my own hurdles and make them worth something, because I refuse to accept that they were all for nothing.
I'm not trying to be a downer, but that's kind of where I'm at right now. I have a lot of shit to take care of in the next month and a half, so I have to stay strong, and I am determined to tough it out. If praying is your thing, I guess I'd just like to ask for yours. I just really need these lonely, terrified, and lost feelings to be short lived, so I can stop faking it and get back to being myself. I need something bigger in my life right now, because I can't do this on my own.
If you're reading this and are graduating alongside me, I just want you to know how proud of yourself you should be. You've put so much work into this moment, and you are going to do some amazing things in this world; never doubt that.
P.S. I read somewhere that coconut oil is good for your scalp, so I tried using that after washing my hair the other night and I'm pretty sure you could still use my head to grease a cake pan. Moral of the story, not everything on the internet is true.
